A Misfit Life Purpose

“The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.” ―Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I don’t know how many times I have read about the importance of having a life vision, and gone through the steps to come up with one. It finally dawned on me how much it bothered me to openly describe what I envision and the incredible effort I have been investing in coming up with an acceptable wording to avoid labels as mumbo jumbo or sappy. 

A TEDtalk (I am a fan) was responsible for this insight. The subject — The beauty of being a misfit. I identify with the term and its implications and yet I feel this bittersweet rebel energy pervading me when somebody calls me one.

Lidia Yuknavitch story is an intimate quilt made with tragic appliques about loss, shame and abuse moving slowly into a path of self-acceptance. Is told in both, a very vulnerable and defiant voice. I was surprised by the tone of the talk and my instant rejection of it. The unmerciful judge in me went crazy with the idea of a psychological drama being presented on a TED stage.

The contained stillness of the audience made my stomach cringed. I am used to the vibrant and almost palpable energy that springs from these talks. Tragedy triggers my own sense of inadequacy, but rapport has a way to bring me back from the dungeons of my mind. My resistance flipped unto urgency for Linda to succeed and be treated with kindness.

It was me on that stage now and something longed to be acknowledged and accepted… 

And the Truth Comes Out

You see, Lidia is an incredibly courageous woman, she not only reinvented herself but was brave enough to let the world know how low the point of beginning had been and how long it took her to get where she was today.

I wasn’t uncomfortable with the “dark story” or the “wrong stage,” I was wrestling with my own lack of courage and impoverished integrity.  I was looking into a mirror in which my identity was being questioned, and I was not winning the inward argument.

What is then, that I am after?

I went about exploring my discomfort with purpose. I started by pinpointing traits I liked in me, chose the more compelling five and examined ways to express them in my life.

No matter the wording, I always came up with the same “old” ideas, values and means to bring them about. Again? Stop being so repetitive, my mind growled back. None of the written statements met my smarty self or its literary expectations and the lurking TED talk hit back and I found myself saying out loud:

My life purpose is MISFIT!

I would love to be able to convey the strong emotions that burden me as I write these words! All the “Not good enough”, “unworthy, unlovable” messages crushing me. The despair of a little child somewhere in the night of my past and my hidden present, begging me to not expose her.

The pain and fear shielding a heart that longs for things that seem to have been forgotten in a world obsessed with quantities and avoiding being vulnerable and eternal. Being imperfectly human.

Owning a Life Purpose

My life purpose is full of words banned from the common lexicon, and the over-exploited self-help industry. Neglected words, with a tendency to be abstract, subjective and very, very personal.

The child in me is aware of the reaction those words beget in adults, and the adult has been given first-hand “advice” against using them.

I spent many years “going around the dictionary” looking for ways to rephrase what I do and love. I was trying to fit again and in doing so I was reducing my soul to a market commodity. 

I wasn’t bringing my gifts into the world. I was trying to accommodate my gifts to an “acceptable” offering.

Isn’t this a very high price to pay for not feeling or making others uncomfortable?

If somebody like Lydia’s has the guts to see the beauty in the worst of our humanity; how can I, whose purpose in life in to bring about beauty, to the raise the human’s Soul impact in fulfillment to its rightful place in ordinary living- be such a sissy!

I cannot ask others to surrender to things like wonder, imagination, soul, and beauty if I am not willing to wear those qualities on my sleeve.

How can I expect society to make intangible qualities goals worth pursuing if I am reluctant to bring myself to own them and shout it to the four winds?

I truly believe that many of our most pressing challenges arise form lack of soul, the separation of our eternal selves (view not from a religious perspective but as an existential force, inner wisdom) from this messy business we call life. 

As an artist, I understand the power these complex-so-hard-to-define abstractions possess, and I know for a fact that this power is shared by all. The difficulty lays in their immeasurable quality and slippery obstinacy. 

Purpose just is!

Like the soul, purpose is unrelenting and refuses to be controlled. That is what makes it so scary! I think each of us is born with a soul-blueprint containing a unique gift to bless our lives, the world and others. It has its own idea of timing and methodology, and it might be completely unexpected. Nevertheless, it feels right.

Soul, purpose are they one and the same? 

I don’t know! They seem pretty close friends! Extremely loyal and impervious to the pressure of antagonistic voices trying to pigeonhole them into the commonplace discourse. We can choose to embrace it or die denying it. Believe me. I tried!

Where there is Death, Life itself seems evidence that what we bring to this world, matters. 

There’s enough space for every “ideal” to become. I am surprised when I dare to use my misfit abstractions in ordinary contexts, and someone is not taken aback. Now; if I hear- “it makes perfect sense”- or catch some glistening eyes, I am over the roof with joy and gratitude.

I don’t know if the world is ready to be led by the Soul instead of the mind. But I can’t help myself.

“Misfit” becomes a totally different experience when Being such means standing for our core-essence and our unique gifts, no matter how farfetched they appeared to be.

“Everyone has been made for some particular work and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.” ― Rumi

I might cringe now and then at being such a soul with so many intangibles crowded together in a statement for life. I might be at lost more times than I care to count when trying to bring about my gift into this world. But I shall not shy from it!

The more of us choosing to live by what makes our soul sing, the happier and sustainable our world shall be.

First Published in Medium. https://medium.com/@simplydrawinglife